


the 69 cent incident

by aesphantasmal



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Based on Real Events, College AU i guess, Other, and very poorly written, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23447881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aesphantasmal/pseuds/aesphantasmal
Summary: The story of how Juno Steel and his friends got banned from one of the Hyperion U campus cafes.
Comments: 24
Kudos: 52





	the 69 cent incident

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on real, very dumb events from a discord server i am on. this is a college au because it doesnt make sense in canonverse. assigning your friends as kinnies based on a conversation is very fun. sending your friend 69 cents just to fuck with them because you're bored and it's 2am is also fun.

The biggest cafe on the Hyperion U campus was always crowded and noisy. On this specific day, a lot of the noise was coming from a table of three, sandwiched in between several others. Juno, Rita and Mick had finished their food long ago, but were still sitting there, shouting things at each other, seemingly unaware of how loud they were being. Midway through a conversation, Juno glanced at his phone, then shouted “Who sent me 69 ¢ ?!” Rita and Mick looked at him, then at each other, then burst out laughing. “It has to be one of you! I posted my PayPal in the groupchat earlier!”

Mick recovered from laughing for just long enough to say “A comedian, clearly,” before he burst out laughing again.

“Mista Steel, deep down, who do ya think it was?” Rita said.

“I have  _ no fucking idea _ ,” Juno replied. “My first guess would be Mick?”   


That’s so sweet, Jayjay, but I don’t have enough money for that,” Mick said.

“PayPal lets you see who sent stuff,” Rita said, over Juno asking Mick why he didn’t have 69 cents.

Juno looked at his phone again. “FUCK!” he yelled. “Rita, it was you!” Rita burst out laughing again. “I didn’t check the note! I usually ignore the actual names because almost all of my friends are trans -- stop laughing at me, damnit!”

“It’s her secret crime alias,” Mick said.

“The crime of sending Mista Steel 69 ¢?”

Juno shoved his phone in Mick’s face. “Look, if you click the thing it’s a little card!” Sure enough, on Juno’s screen was a digital card with “YOU ROCKET!” on it, with a little rocketship. “Sorry, Mick, Rita’s my only friend that matters anymore.”

“That’s adorable,” Mick replied.

Juno took his phone back. He went to turn it off, then yelled “SOMEONE ELSE JUST SENT ME 69 CENTS.”

“It wasn’t me, boss!” Rita yelled back.

“The only note is a winky face?” Juno said.

“Hm,” Juno heard from behind him. He turned around, and saw Rex Glass, another friend of theirs, leaning over and looking at his phone screen from the next table.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing, Juno, just curious.”

“Ok, well, I don’t wanna say the name ‘cause I’m 1000% sure it’s a deadname but whoever it is --”

“I think only me and Mick have been online since you sent your paypal, Boss,” Rita said.

“ _ Who the fuck was it? _ ” Juno said.

“Surnames exist,” Rex said.

“Nureyev is the last name?” Juno said.

“I’m pretty sure we’ve seen that name somewhere before,” Rita said.

“Have we? Rita. Rita, if you know who it is any you’re trying to make me guess --”

“I only remember seeing the name Nureyev, I don’t remember who it was --”

“REVEAL YOURSELF, MYSTERY DONOR!” Mick yelled, loud enough that half of the cafe went silent.

“I don’t remember ever having seen the name before,” Rex said.

“I might be wrong. I think I saw it in a cropped screenshot or somethin’? Not many people have been online since you sent that, Boss, and I’m pretty sure it has to be someone here?”

“Detective this one out with me, Rita.” Juno stood up and stared around the surrounding tables. “Sasha!”

Sasha, seated a few tables over, looked up from her work. “Oh, if I was willing to go through the ordeal of being deadnamed, I would absolutely send you 69 cents. But even if it’s just by PayPal, I’m not that strong. Also, you know my surname.”

“Ok, fair point.” Juno looked around again, then sat down. “I’m going to fucking lose it, who the fuck? At least you included your actual name, Rita!”

“What are you going to do, rank everyone in the groupchat by the likelihood that it was them?” Rex said.

“Ok, bottom of the list: Vicky. Reason: Hates me. Wouldn’t give me a single cent, let alone 69 of them.”

Rita half-leaned, half-climbed all the way over the table to get in Rex’s space. “Mista Glass -- you gotta swear it wasn’t you.”

“Yeah, good point!” Juno said. “You too, Mick!” he said, turning to Mick as Rita got off of the table. “I know you said you wouldn’t, but we have to eliminate all the possibilities.”

“I’d do it if I had PayPal. And a job.”

“I do kinda wanna know your full list, though, Boss,” Rita said.

“Ok! So! Definite no’s: It’s not either of you,” he said, gesturing at Mick and Rita, “it’s not me --”

“Why do you have to say that, Jayjay?”

“Trust nobody, not even yourself. And it’s not Sasha. I think it’s a trans man or an NB person who changed their name because the name is feminine and I don’t recognise it. Rex is a slight no because he said he didn’t recognise the surname but didn’t explicitly deny it when asked, Vicky is a no because she hates me, Cass is a no because she isn’t here and you’d think she could spare more than 69 cents, also the surname on hers would be Kanagawa, and nobody else reads the groupchat.” He turned to Rex. “So you’re my prime suspect right now!” Mick and Rita both stared at Rex in an exaggerated manner. “So, was it you? You’re the only person it could have been! Stop smirking and give me answers, damnit, Glass!”

Suddenly, Juno felt something hit the back of his head. He whirled around to face Cass Kanagawa, standing next to their table.

“I’ve been here the whole time. Just throwing that out there.”

“What -- how didn’t I see you?”

“Maybe you should be a bit more observant, Juno. Not my fault.”

“Was it you?” Cass started laughing. “Was it?” Cass kept laughing as Juno glared.

“Another suspect!” Mick yelled.

“Wait! Wait.” Juno pulled out his phone, leaning out of the way and holding his phone at a weird angle so nobody else could read it. There were a few minutes of relative quiet as everyone watched Juno, until he triumphantly yelled “AHA! I CRACKED THE CASE!”

“Oh?” Cass said, through her continued laughter.

“So I searched up the name Nureyev on Facebook --”

“ -- you know how to do that? --”

“--shut up, Cass, and found THIS!” Juno dramatically showed them a photo. It was of a bright green car, clearly pretty expensive and well taken care of. “This car! It’s the one Rex sends pictures of, right?”

“Yeah, boss, it is!” Rita said.

“So you found a picture of Glass’ car?” Cass said.

Juno turned back around to face Nureyev. He had barely reacted beyond raising an eyebrow.

“That is… a way to go about it, I suppose.”

“Can’t believe Juno’s becoming a detective!” Mick said.

“God! I feel alive!” Juno said.

“Although, Juno -- I have  _ definitely _ sent you emails and documents that have my actual name in my email,” Nureyev said. “I think you even commented on it.”

“H -- Have you? Did I?”

And with that, everyone else burst out laughing again.

“That -- That’s where I saw the name!” Rita said through her tears of laughter “I didn’t imagine it!”

“Uuuuuuuuuugh, god, I definitely have seen it...” Juno said, sliding down his chair and holding his head in his hands.

“I was about to do it again if you hadn’t figured it out.”

“Just kill me. End my life, Glass. Nureyev. Whichever.”

“Either is fine.”

“I was so proud of myself for working it out, too!”

“Best prank: make Jayjay cyberstalk people --” Mick said, before breaking off into laughter again.

“Do I strike you as the kind of man who uses Facebook a lot, Mick? There’s far more personal information about me on my Twitter,” Nureyev replied.

“I don’t really use it either, so fair,” Mick said.

“I just figured people don’t usually use their actual last names on their twitter!” Juno said.

“Well, there’s another challenge for you.”

“Do -- do you have a Twitter none of us know about?!”

“I might. I might not.”

“I hate you.”

Rita jumped up. “Wait, you said you’d never heard the name before when I said I remembered seeing it, Mista Glass!”

“Nureyev, you slimy bastard!” Juno said. With that, Nureyev’s neutral expression broke, and he started laughing.

“He gave us the clue to solve it and then he made us doubt it!” Rita said.

“You’re an actual monster,” Juno said. “Why? Why would you do this to us?”

Juno kept glaring at him until he sat up, wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes, and said “I was bored. I wanted to see how long it would take you to work it out, even though you had all the clues you needed.”

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> i have no justification for any of this.


End file.
